


Tips on Surviving The Stupidly Rich For The Foolish and Disadvantaged: The Ultimate How-To

by Anonymous



Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Chatting & Messaging, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Humor, Light Angst, Minor Character Death, Money, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Alternating, Semi-Realistic Minecraft, Texting, building, no beta we die like el rapids
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-22 17:40:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30042330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Twobo’s propwerty onwly!: Secondly, I know this is an exciting time for you all. I personally agree with Tubbo’s ‘enthusiasm’ too, but let's discuss sensitive topics somewhere more secure than Discord, in person. I'm sure we will devolve into specifics there without risk of threat.Twobo’s propwerty onwly!: wait.Twobo’s propwerty onwly changed Twobo’s propwerty onwly!’s name to RanbooRanboo changed Twobo’s name to Tubbo_Ranboo: Let's stay professional here, please and thank you.Nuts!: Understood!HBalls!: all right mr memory boy lolTubbo_: annndd he strikes yet again!----Or: Just a small-town shark livin' in a lonely world! Except the world is not very lonely at all, filled with big-shot capitalists and people in power interested in...him?Wonder how that happens, huh.[Rated Teen for Swearing!]
Relationships: Foolish & Dream SMP Ensemble, Foolish & Hbomb94, Foolish & Ranboo, Foolish & Tubbo, No Romantic Relationship(s)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 31
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> so, foolish fans who saw yesterday's stream... i may have went a little far from the original song idea. i am speedrunning this very author's note trying to finish this with atleast the smallest bit of relevancy. i did a funny right? i did a big funny.
> 
> anyway, this is purely and utterly crack and im taking none of this seriously. be warned.

Foolish __Gamers was a simple shark hybrid. Just enjoying a simple sub sandwich on an airport bench made him very happy, especially when he had the time to people-watch. Usually it is him constantly moving throughout the day, constantly working throughout the plans he set for himself. It wasn’t like he hated the adrenaline that intoxicated his blood, but this was a shift in normality. It was the breath of fresh air that didn’t fail to make his eyes shine every time.

It was obvious that he was in a happy mood. Of course he was in a happy mood, he’s in the very heart of the Dream SMP after all! The sight before him had skyscrapers whizzing above his head and cars zooming past and _people_ instead of the usual dusty sights of sand and stone. He could sing and not hear his own voice. He could walk and would get immersed in a crowd. This wasn’t just a gentle shift in normality, but a harsh u-turn in his very life, bringing in ocean tides in the once dry scenery of his years.

So, yes, Foolish was happy. No, no, Foolish was _excited_. This was a once in a life-time experience, even for the shark who lived centuries.

The very thought exhilarated him so much he thought he’d blow. He greeted a random old lady on the street on impulse, frantic to share his happy mood. Unfortunately he learned fairly quickly the lady did not share the same sentiment when she began to curse him out. But it was fine! That old lady was just a sour sport anyway. He hopes she’ll get better.

Foolish’s four eyes rolled as she, and quite loudly too, finished giving him every forbidden word from this god forsaken earth. He only relaxes when she leaves, leaning on the park bench as he took a bite of his sandwich. It-- Oh for ender’s sake, his sandwich has pickles on it. Pickles! He could’ve sworn he asked specially for no pickles!

He sighed loudly as he opened his sub sandwich, handpicking the small devil vegetable out of his meal. Yes, he was that person. No, he wasn’t ashamed. If anything, the same vigor that fuels his metaphorical heart to pump out his constant adrenaline also fueled his extreme hatred for the green vegetable. (They’re technically not only vegetables, they’re fruits too! What the hell?!) He only asks them to get the fuck out his food, thank you very much.

After flinging the last of the disgusting vegetable away he finally digs into his sandwich. It was perfect. He relishes in the feeling of contentedness it gives him, reaching to sip on his pink lemonade. 

The sunrise is pretty.

This was the first sunrise of his time here in the big city, he realizes. It was hard to believe just hours ago he was back in the place he recently dubbed his summer home. His heart and mind was in Dream SMP lands months before his body was. Some could say years. 

The revelation brought a gentle passion with it, a constant underneath all the adrenaline building up in his bones. A constant despite everything. He has always wanted this. _He has always wanted this._

It was a blur of an exciting, euphoric mess that caused him to end up here, but he’s here and the passion only rejuvenates itself twice as much. It stays as a warm buzzing in his chest that shoots up at random, and all he could do is eat another bite of his sub and laugh in disbelief underneath his breath.

He looks back at the sunrise, watching as the sky filled with light. The skyscrapers stand still as the sleepy orange glow reflects from their sleek surfaces. The vehicles could only sit in traffic as the light swept color over them. And he may be a little narcissistic, but it felt like the dawn was opening up for Foolish __Gamers, that he too could finally get the life he could once only dream of.

He flinched at the touch of someone tapping his shoulder, whipping around to see a man suddenly beside him. His eyes crinkle as he smiles behind his bushy beard. Foolish relaxes, although he frowns at the new addition.

“Done with your internal play, Shakespear?”

Speak of the devil.

“You’re late Hbomb,” he replies, not bothering to address his quip as he takes a finishing bite of his sandwich. Hbomb takes offense with that, surprisingly, putting his hands on his hips.

“I’m _fashionably_ late you mean,” he frowns. Foolish rolls his eyes. “It kept you thinking of me, didn’t you? I could picture it now: Foolish alone in the airport entrance alone, looking for his sole friend. _‘Oh!’_ you sigh! _‘Where is my best friend in the entire world Hbomb?! Where is my best manager ever?’_ ”

“Not my manager,” the shark sighs, crumbling his now empty sandwich wrapper. Hbomb scoffs as he tosses it in the trash can beside them. Seamlessly, by the way. “Probably not my friend either judging from this conversation.”

“Hey!” Hbomb pouts, his arms slipping from his shoulders. A comfortable silence airs between them as Foolish props up his bags. However, just as it began, the flannel wearing man smiled mischievously.

“I can make it up to you.”

“Is it that surprise you won’t shut up about?” Foolish questions, eyes momentarily lifting up to meet his. He nods furiously. 

“I wouldn’t let you move here without a reason!” He grins, flipping out his phone from his pocket. 

“I thought the reason was that I could room with you.”

“Partly.” Hbomb laughs with a sideways tilt of his mouth. He shoves his phone in his face before he could even question it. “What do you see?”

Foolish blinks at the very new and bright light in his face, adjusting his eyes before squinting. Hbomb’s wallpaper was of him and a smaller man he had never seen before. The unknown man had toffee brown hair in a short, messy ponytail, his brown eyes scowling at the camera. His hat, clothes, and face were covered in dirt from assumedly working. Though what strikes his attention was that this man had light orange ears and tails, much akin to a fox.

If that was odd, then he almost shat himself when he saw what Hbomb was wearing. A blue Japanese maid uniform replaced his usual red flannel and jeans, accompanied by fake cat ears and tail. If he squinted (which he did, how else is he supposed to discern the monstrosity he’s seeing?) he could see _makeup_ painted on his face. The maid grins at the camera he’s holding, holding a peace sign in fake innocence. Foolish’s mind short circuits.

What... is this?

The shark blinks, stares at the image before him, and blinks again before looking back up to his friend. He raises an eyebrow.

“Please don’t tell me your ‘surprise’ is that you sleep with foxes.”

“What do you...” Hbomb trails off, pulling his phone back with his brow furrowed. He pauses when he sees he’s still on his home screen, curses as he frantically taps with buttons.

“Fuck..! You didn’t see anything! You didn’t see _shit_!”

Foolish allows himself to laugh, hard. Hbomb glares at him when he looks away at his phone, but he could see that small upturn in his frown. To give him credit, it _was_ funny.

“I don’t mean to criticize you on your... _habits_.” Foolish wheezed when he gets enough air, wiping the tears from his eyes. “But I would rather you not tell me about them.”

“Shut up!” Hbomb sneers. Foolish snickers in his hand. “That was an accident, stop reading too much into it.” He pushes his phone back in his face, definite in showing his point. “Read.”

“Fine.” He grabs the phone from Hbomb hands with a sigh. The older man shouts in protest, but he ignores it in favor of focusing on what was before him. Instead of an embarrassing home screen photo, H’s phone now shows an article written by the SMP Weekly News. He blinks twice; one to rid the previous image still haunting his mind and the other to read the headline.

_Bee And Boo’s Gross Income Reaches 200K A Month In Just Three Months of Its Opening. Will It Be Enough To Rival The Big Innit Hotel? The Hotel Owners Tell All!_

The image below the headline shows the entrance of the supposed hotel with two boys, a thin red ribbon blocking the front. The boy on the left was shorter and had curly brown hair framing his face. He was facing the other boy in the shot, laughing. A pair of black scissors is clutched close to his chest.

The other boy was lanky but twice the height of the other. Even in the photo Foolish could tell he held himself defensively, his hand holding his elbow in place. His jet black hair only slightly covers the sunglasses he wore. And, even with the black and white mask he wore, he could tell that he was looking at the other fondly. A pair of golden scissors rest in his clammy hands.

Foolish stares at the photo and headline, trying to connect the dots. 

“Is this...?”

“Ranboo and Tubbo Underscore,” Hbomb smiles beside him. He leans his elbow on the bench he was on. “Know ‘em?”

“Tubbo Underscore…” He breathes the name shakily, transfixed on the photo. His brows furrowed. “Wasn’t he the president of L’manburg? You told me they declared bankruptcy a couple months ago.”

“Yep! That lawsuit with Dream and Techno completely dissolved them.” The older man points at the smiling man on the left with a chuckle. “The guy fucked off to who knows where and came back _married_ and wanting a hotel chain. If anyone has priorities, it's got to be him.”

“I'm surprised it didn’t completely dissolve _him_.”

“Tubbo? Of course not.”

Foolish presses his lips together in concentration, staring at the photo one last time before lifting his eyes to the bearded man. “I hate to be narcissistic but what does this have to do with me?”

“That’s my boy!” Hbomb praises. 

“H.”

“Fine! _Fiiine._ I may or may not have invited a certain someone to a newly built mansion I recently obtained.”

The shark’s eyes widened. No way. “He… You..!”

“He really liked it,” Hbomb grinned, amused at Foolish’s face growing more dumbfounded. “And by liked it, he really, _really_ liked it. The dude was absolutely floored. And you know me, what good of a manager I’ll be if I didn’t recommend your work? Then one thing leads to another and…”

“No… Tubbo _fucking_ Underscore wants to commission _me_?” The shark’s voice cracks in the middle of his sentence, the already tight pitch getting unusually high. He could honestly cry if it wasn’t for the shock clouding his mind.

“Yes, ‘Tubbo fucking Underscore’ wants to commission you. We meet next week.”

Foolish’s mind was running at a thousand miles per second. He stares at his friend for a hint of trickery, stunning himself into silence when he finds none. It couldn’t be true. He expected much during his trip here, but this couldn’t be true.

“The H-Hallmark movies…” He laughs brokenly, his gaze slowly lowering to his lap. The pink lemonade sloshed beside him. He finds himself blinking back tears. “The Hallmark movies don’t usually start like this, H. They usually start with this super muscular boss dude giving some rando a promotion, but never like _this_.”

“If you think about it, this could be your promotion,” he says, leaning an arm on the bench’s armrest. He rests his cheek on his hand casually, like he was telling the most normal thing in the world. “A promotion from living in the sand dunes to working for people so rich, their net worth is higher than any number you possibly count! Maybe _our_ net worth is going to skyrocket like that someday.”

Foolish flinches at the mention of his summer home, but ignores it over his sheer amazement of the situation. His eyes flicker back to the phone one last time.

“You’re _nuts_ , Hbomb,” he breathes, a grin that could rival his slowly growing on his face. “Thank you. Holy fuck, thank you, thank you, _thank you!_ ”

He couldn’t help himself. If he was giddy before, then he was absolutely over the moon now as he wrapped his friend into a sudden hug, laughs barely registering in his overwhelmed brain. H makes a sound of surprise but soon relaxes, chuckling along with him. 

“It’s all you,” he replies, his voice for once creased in seriousness. The shark pauses at the touch of a hand on his head, rubbing at the skin reassuringly. His breath gets stuck in his throat.

“...Well, it was me telling Tubbo about you technically, but I only did what's best for you as your manager! Of course, I expect your payment very soon~!”

Ha. Leave it to HBomb to royalty ruin the mood.

Foolish pauses, his mind still working at a thousand miles per second, before groaning. He removes himself off the older man in an instant.

“Not my manager,” he sighs, brushing a hand over his eyes. Hbomb barks out a laugh. “Forget everything I’ve said, you're the worst. The absolute worst. I hate you with every fiber in my being and never want to associate with you again. Get away from me, you greedy capitalist pig.”

Hbomb laughs harder, slapping his hand against his knee. “Yo-You don’t mean that, don’t you? There has to be some sort of repayment somewhere! Maybe in a certain bill we’ll get later once we ditch this place?”

Foolish looks good and well at the man currently moving his eyebrows up and down repeatedly, grinning like an idiot. This was the man that may or may not have got him a job with the infamous Tubbo Underscore. _This_ was the man who was his friend. He hardly believes that he’ll meet many more people like Hbomb, but he has the suspicion that he’ll get many things wrong here.

Ender, if he’s wrong about this...

“You’re the absolute worst,” he repeats, resigning with a deeper sigh. Hbomb cheers in the moment, but a couple hours later he’s the one that pays for their food. The older explains with something about favors and debt, but the shark could smell his bluff from a mile away. He smiles instead.

Living in the city is going to be amazing!


	2. 1. Cheap Perfume is a Major No-No!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hbomb starts a conversation, Tubbo almost ruins everything, and Foolish gets himself in a... smelly situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for over 10 kudos and 100 hits! i appreciate it more than you'll ever know!

**New Chat**

**3:05am**

_HBomb has added Nuts!_

_HBomb has added Twobo_

_HBomb has added Main Character_

_HBomb has renamed the chat to Swaggy Mansion?? PogChamp!_

HBomb: …

_HBomb has changed HBomb’s name to HBalls!_

HBalls!: better

Nuts!: ???

HBalls!: oh you’re still awake lol

HBalls!: don’t mind me, just doing manager things

Nuts!: not my manager

Nuts!: but three in the morning? damn

HBalls!: like you don’t know i thrive at ungodly hours

HBalls!: we lived together for a week 

HBalls!: i thought you cared ;(

Twobo: huh

Twobo: it appears that you aren’t foolish’s manager H

Twobo: have you lied to me big man??

HBalls!: shitt6g

_HBalls! Has deleted one (1) message_

HBalls!: of course not!

Twobo: …

HBalls!: …

Twobo: ..

HBalls!: ..

Twobo: .

HBalls!: .

HBalls!: okay fine

HBalls!: you win

HBalls!: though i can act like one though! and foolish is still here! i didn’t lie entirely!

Twobo: brb busy speedrunning your demise

HBalls!: NOOOOOOOOO TUBBO I CAN MAKE IT UP TO YOUUUU

Twobo: but wouldn;t it be fun to forgue a health and safety paper??

Twobo: it’ll be a game! how many newspapers can i tell before you’ll make it up to me??

Twobo: ⅘ doctors reccomed, very pog :ok_hand:

HBalls!: pls dont

HBalls!: pls dont

HBalls!: pls dont

HBalls!: pls dont

HBalls!: pls dont

HBalls!: pls dont

HBalls!: pls dont

Twobo: im joking

Twobo: idiot

HBalls!: i can't tell

HBalls!: holy shit i can see you doing that

HBalls!: evil mf

HBalls!: literal gremlin

HBalls!: hellborn

Twobo: ???

Twobo: really?? I like to think im controled

HBalls!: spawn of satan

HBalls!: your new year resolution was to learn how to use an explosive

HBalls!: youre going to bomb the entire smp in like five years i bet

Twobo: :)

HBalls!: .

HBalls!: Tubbo?

Twobo has deleted one (1) message

HBalls!: TUBBO?!?!?

Twobo: kidding!

Twobo: anyway, wheres foolish? I think we idimated him

HBalls!: he’s lurking lol

HBalls!: currently sobbing in my dms atm

Nuts!: H please.

Twobo: foolish hello hi!

Twobo: im a big BIG fan of your work! The manision you’ve made for H was awesome! And he showed me your sumer home??? Did you rlly build it yurself???

Nuts!: Yeah that was me!

Nuts!: And yeah I built the entirety of my summer home! I’m not sure how accurate it is seeing that I’ve made it years ago haha!

HBalls!: ew punctuation get that out of my chat

HBalls!: its three in the am foolish nobody’s reading that

Twobo: truers?

Twobo: any truers?? 

Twobo: but rlly its okay to get loose here! formalies don;t exist at three in the morn lol. i just wanna chillll

Nuts!: oh!

Nuts!: oh okay

Nuts!: is this better?

Twobo: way better :)

Twobo: ah damn

Twobo: im twobo here too

Twobo: still cant escape it sadge

HBalls!: twobo

Twobo: hbwob

Twobo: wait ive just thought of something funny

_Twobo has renamed Main Character to Twobo’s propwerty onwly!_

Twobo: nice

HBalls!: nice

Nuts!: nice

Twobo: lol

Twobo: i think were going to get along just fine

________

**HBalls!**

**3:48am**

Nuts!: AND I QUOTE

Nuts!: “i think were going to get along just fine”

Nuts!: ?????

Nuts!: ???????????????

HBalls!: i think you’re getting way too nervous about this lmao

HBalls!: tubbo probably likes you 

Nuts!: already??

HBalls!: he’s like that

HBalls!: like he doesn’t really fit into the big ol scary serious businessman persona well lmao

HBalls!: i mean he can when he wants to but he usually doesn’t

HBalls!: he mainly just wants to vibe and make a shitload of cash

HBalls!: y’know, as u do

Nuts!: when he wants to???

Nuts!: when would he want too???

HBalls!: never at you 

HBalls!: probably

HBalls!: but you know when you see it

HBalls!: there’s some vids floating around, hold on

Nuts!: wait

Nuts!: wait whattt

HBalls!: Metube: _[TUBBO UNDERSCORE completely OWNS the floor in the Dream SMP v. L’manburg court case!]_

HBalls!: Metube: _[Must Watch: TUBBO CHALLENGES THE WITNESSES OF THE DREAM v. TOMMYINNIT CASE!]_

HBalls!: there’s others but I can’t be bothered

Nuts!: ohh

HBalls!: brutal right?

HBalls!: kid’s mighty smart. there’s a reason he’s one of the most powerful people on this server 

HBalls!: don’t underestimate him but don’t fear him either

Nuts!: whaa

Nuts!: what the hell do I do then?

HBalls!: make him a friend lol

HBalls!: i’ve got the feeling that you will grow to like him too

Nuts!: okay old man :thumbs up:

HBalls!: fuck you 

**4:01am**

Nuts!:.

Nuts!: still awake?

HBalls!: bout to pass out but ye

HBalls!: why?

Nuts!: you’ve haven’t told me much about ranboo yet

Nuts!: is he like tubbo????

HBalls!: .

Nuts!: wha

Nuts!: WAIT WHY DO I HEAR LAUGHTER FROM YOURE ROOM

Nuts!: I’M GOING TO SHUT MYSELLF WHYY THE HELL ARE YOU LAUGHING FOOOR

Nuts!: IM LITERALLY GOING TO BURST IN IF YOU DON'T”T SHIRT UPP{

HBalls!: remember to check gc tmw lmfao

Nuts!: THAT DOESN'T ANSWER???? A THING????

HBalls!: that’s the point :thumbs up: 

Nuts!: surprise?

HBalls!: surprise

Nuts!: .

Nuts!: i hate you sm 

HBalls!: same!

________

**_Ranbob :o_ **

**_9:39am_ **

****

Tubob :): ayo bestie

Tubob :): homeslice

Tubob :): homeslikket

Tubob :): slim jim

Tubob :): ranbro

Tubob :): chief

  
  


Tubob :): ...

Tubob :): for prime's sake turn on yOUR PHONE FOR ONCE

Tubob :): ..

Tubob :): and this is why you don’t get invited to anything

Ranbob :o: wWhat

Tubob :): what :)

Tubob :): oh wow guess who decided to join the world of the waking

Ranbob: Good morning to you too Tubbo

Ranbob: What's with the spam?

Tubob :): don’t like my pet names? 

Tubob :): sadge

Ranbob :o: You’ve reached in your limit for pet names, I'm not acknowledging anymore

Tubob :): brb going dark

Tubob :): check schedule while im at it

Ranbob :o: Schedule?

Ranbob :o: Since when did you get a schedule?

Tubob :): ever since right now 

Tubob :): we have things ta do

Ranbob :o: I thought today was for Michael but okay

Tubob :): today is for michael mostly

Ranbob :o: Mostly?

Tubob :): ye!

Tubob :): you see we have a meeting a potetial builnig for manision in afternoon

Tubob :): at three? gotta check.

Tubob :): but then we done :)

Ranbob: :o: Isn’t the mansion yours?

Tubob :): yes

Tubob :): but no

Tubob :): ;) ;)

Ranbob :o: You know I can’t live with you Tubbo

Tubob :): yeah yeah techno and some cryptic enderman bullshit

Tubob :): BUT!

Tubob :): what if we :point_left: :point_right:

Tubob :): “hypofethically”

Tubob :): share the manision

Tubob :): with EACH OTHER?!?!?

Tubob :): haha no way that’s crazy

Tubob :): unless ;) ;)

Ranbob :o: ….

Ranbob :o: Mom pick me up I'm scared by the small man that keeps winking at me

Tubob :): ;)

Ranbob :o: Ah

Tubob :): ;(

Ranbob :o: _Oh..._

Tubob :): ;0

Ranbob :o: What’s that one?

Tubob :): Me dying because YOU WON’T FUCKING LEAVE THAT SHITHOLE

Tubob :): YOUR FINAICNE IS DYING 

Tubob :): AND YOU WON’T DO SHIT

Tubob :): HOW'D YOU FEEL??? IS IT PAIN???? I HOPE ITS PAINN

Ranbob :o: I have known you too long for this to have any type of an effect on me

Ranbob :o: I have long since grown to be the superior being

Ranbob :o: Goodbye Tubbo_

Tubob :): wait WAIT WAIT

Tubob :): I actaly need you to do something lmao

Tubob :): Do you still mute most dms

Ranbob :o: Ye

Ranbob :o: You want me to go through them?

Tubob :): blocked

Tubob :): jkjk

Tubob :): yes please :eyes: :eyes:

Ranbob :o: Okey

Ranbob :o: …

Ranbob :o: Wanna explain to me why there's a group chat called Swaggy Mansion PogChamp with me in it?

Ranbob :o: Wanna explain why Hbomb’s there too? Did you hurt the poor man again?

Tubob :): Already did :)

Ranbob :o: Tubbo.

Tubob :): Ranboo.

Tubob :): call me maybe? ;)

Ranbob :o: _Already am_

Ranbob :o: btw I’m going to to be a bit distorted

Ranbob: o: currently defying time and space itself to zoom to your very address to pummel you in the very ground you stand

Ranbob :o: Be ready.

Tubob :): don’t care, curently speeddialing your number ;)

Tubob :): be sure to pick up your phone this time

Ranbob :o: :)

Tubob :): :D

________

**_Swaggy Mansion?? PogChamp!_ **

**_9:45am_ **

Tubwo: Anyone got sleep last night? 

Tubwo: Ha me neihter

HBalls!: We were up at like 3 last night ofc we wouldn’t have slept??

Tubwo: you know as good as me that 6 hours is good enough

Tubwo: your the very reason the healthy grow healthier. i despite you

Tubwo: anyways what were you doing?

HBalls!: animal planet watch party to keep Foolish from bouncing off the walls

HBalls!: i think you broke him tbh. he’s been a goddamn short fuse since this morning

Tubwo: ←- firm believer of tubbo sumpracy

Tubwo: huh? anyone hear sumthing?

HBalls!: everyone already worships you 

HBalls!: fuck off

Tubwo: u right

Tubwo: huh

Tubwo: oh before i forget i need photos of foolish’s builds

Tubwo: for the ranboob

HBalls!: he hasn’t seen them already?

Tubwo: you think he wants to mess with this?

Tubwo: youre lucky that he didn’t delete himself when he first noticed he’s here lol. Still convincing him to join in fun !!

HBalls!: tell him that’ll ill add him back if he ever tries shit

HBalls!: im filled with pure spite

Tubwo: he says sure lmao

Tubwo: i think he has spite too, group chats aren’t really his thing

HBalls!: LETS GOOOOOO

HBalls!: ill duel him in a spite battle any day, name a time

Nuts!: uh

Nuts!: daytime?

Tubwo: FOOOOLISH

Tubwo: I WANT TO INHALE YOUR BUILDS AGAIN

Tubwo: GIVE ME THE GOOD STUFF BIG MAN

Nuts!: oh???

Nuts!: aren’t you like 16?

Nuts!: wait no forget it, give me a sec

Tubwo: Kewl

Tubwo: also Ranboo says to meet him at the back of a Mc.Puffy’s H

Tubwo: he’ll bring his punny axes to increase the degeracy

HBalls!: ok

HBalls!: i'll bring my matching maid outfit

Tubwo: cat ears?

HBalls!: cat ears.

Tubwo: hm

Tubwo: hahahahahaha he dropped out lmao

Tubwo: nice dub dude

HBalls!: works every time 

HBalls!: he won't risk that punishment for anything in the world

Tubwo: i wonder if he’s more oppised to maid outfits than water

HBalls!: one side is opposed to water but both sides are opposed to wearing a maid outfit. especially after the fundy incident lol

HBalls!: If water’s a weakness, maids are his goddamn kryptonite

Tubwo: true

Nuts!: [ _Summerhome1.png_ ]

Nuts!: [ _SummerhoneInterior.png]_

Nuts!: [ _ShittyMansion.png_ ]

Nuts!: want anymore?

Tubwo: *jaw drops to floor, eyes pop out of sockets accompanied by trumpets, heart beats out of chest, awooga awooga sound effect, pulls chain on train whistle that has appeared next to head as steam blows out, slams fists on table, rattling any plates, bowls or silverware, whistles loudly, fireworks shoot from top of head, pants loudly as tongue hangs out of mouth, wipes comically large bead of sweat from forehead, clears throat, straightens tie, combs hair* Ahem, they look very lovely.

Nuts!: uhhhh

Nuts!: thank you???

Tubwo: np dude

HBalls!: Tubbo why the fuck do you have that saved on your phone?

Tubwo: Ranboo :)

HBalls!: you torture that man so much stg

Nuts!: uh

Nuts!: a question

Tubwo: ye? hit me

Nuts!: forgive me if this steps any boundaries 

Nuts!: but

Nuts!: is he like

Nuts!: bad or something??????

Nuts!: WAIT WRONG WORDING

Nuts!: totally wrong wording but

Nuts!: you get the point, yeah?

Nuts!: yeah

Tuwbo: .

Nuts!: .

_Nuts! has deleted one (1) message._

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_Nuts! has deleted one (1) message._

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_Nuts! has deleted one (1) message._

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_Nuts! has deleted one (1) message._

Nuts!: know what, forget this

_Nuts! has left the chat_

Tubwo: WAIT NO FOOOLASH

Tubwo: WAIT NO ONLY FUck IM FCKINg CRYINg

Tubwo: IS RANBOP BAD HE ASKES HOLY SHIT HOLSY FUCK

Tubwo: OH nO HE’S HEArD ME DyiNG anD iS GOING TO THE GC ShIt SHIT

Tubwo: ABORT SHIP ABORT FuCKING SHIpp

_HBalls! Has added Nuts! to the chat_

Nuts!: ah

Nuts!: it seems that i’ve returned to the land of the living

HBalls!: welp, you're going to leave again very soon

HBalls!: the gc killer is on his way

HBalls!: we had a good run folks

Tubwo: IS _RanbOW_ BAD?@??@? ItS ON My WALL As WE speAK. ThiS MAN Is NeVEr LiBNg THsi DOwn

Twobo’s propwerty onwly!: .

Twobo’s propwerty onwly!: Are you okay Tubbo?

Tubwo: AAMAZINGBHDGSZJN

Twobo’s propwerty onwly!: Let me scroll up for a second.

Twobo’s propwerty onwly!: Oh. Okay. Not that bad.

Twobo’s propwerty onwly!: Firstly, nice to finally meet you FoolishG, even if it's so improper like this. Tubbo has been telling me alot about you. You seem like a great guy.

Twobo’s propwerty onwly!: Secondly, I know this is an exciting time for you all. I personally agree with Tubbo’s ‘enthusiasm’ too, but let's discuss sensitive topics somewhere more secure than Discord, in person. I'm sure we will devolve into specifics there without risk of threat. 

Twobo’s propwerty onwly!: wait.

Twobo’s propwerty onwly changed Twobo’s propwerty onwly!’s name to Ranboo

Ranboo changed Twobo’s name to Tubbo_

Ranboo: Let's stay professional here, please and thank you.

Nuts!: Understood!

HBalls!: all right mr memory boy lol

Tubbo_: annndd he strikes yet again!

Tubbo_: wait damn he punished me with the full name 

Tubbo_: hate

Tubbo_ changed Tubbo_’s name to Tubbo

HBalls!: is he gone???

Tubbo: yep

Tubbo: he saw your and Foolish’s names and quit lol

Tubbo: though he says id the meeting with you two at 3 is still on

HBalls!: ofc

Tubbo: hell yea :heart eyes: :heart eyes:

Tubbo: waHGTDE

Tubbo: HOLY FUCK THE DAMN ENDERMAN IS BSANGIBF ON MY DOOR

Tubbo: IM FUCKED

HBalls!: yeah your dead

HBalls!: ill plan your funeral after the meeting

Tubbo: thank

Tubbo: but seriously i gtg

HBalls!: ye its good

HBalls!: gotta find foolish anyway

HBalls!: see you on the other side tubs :heart: 

Tubbo: lol bye :heart: :)

* * *

“ _Ooooo_ kay.”

“I may have forgotten it was today,” Foolish breathes, an airy chuckle lost in the midst of the sentence. Hbomb blinks at the sight before him. The shark hybrid was quite literally a deer stuck in headlights as he slowly scans the guest room, no doubt wondering how it got this untidy in less than a day.

The floor was littered with bottles and scattered note paper with incomprehensible nonsense hastily scribbled on them. Hbomb would’ve thought the guy was trying to summon some sort of demon if it wasn’t for the piles of clothes thrown haphazardly on the bed beside him. They formed a miniature mountain on the already messy bed, one gentle push away from becoming a miniature catastrophe. 

Foolish himself was on his knees, the mess of the rest of the room clearing in the one area he sat in. He wore a simple black blazer with a white dress shirt that slightly sags on his thin figure. It was the suit Hbomb had spent hours pressuring the shark hybrid into borrowing. He snorts at how greatly it’s being used. 

Don’t get the man wrong, he definitely was hyper analyzing every single thing wrong with this room. How his guest room got so cluttered in the sole hour they arranged the meeting astounded him. But, if he had to choose only one thing to focus on as he stared in his roommate's emerald eyes, he immediately would have noted the pure _stench_ of multiple strong perfumes that loom the bedroom.

“So you panicked,” Hbomb assumes after a lengthy silence. His voice was muffled from his hands still clamping his face. Foolish nods enthusiastically, an anxious grin painted on his clammy face.

“Yep!” He laughs as he glances at his surroundings. He wouldn't be surprised if it was the first time he really thought about the mess he made. “I think it didn’t go well?”

H laughs, tip toeing over the glass bottles on the floor before crouching to the shark’s height. “No shit. I need an explanation.”

The shark makes a quick embarrassed sound before clearing his throat. He glares at the small snort the elder lets out.

“Fine. It’s stupid, but I wasn’t thinking at the time, so it’s fine.” His eyes darted at anywhere and everywhere that wasn’t him; the red handkerchief he was holding getting strangled in his tight hold and Hbomb almost feels bad for him if it wasn’t for how funny this all was. He continues with another clearing of his throat, “So Tubbo says it's at three right?”

He nods, holding back yet another laugh from interrupting the man’s tirade. He continues without much notice. “And I was like, wow, six hours isn’t a lot of time! Wouldn't it be cool to totally impress them?”

“I think I know where this is going.”

Foolish’s smile becomes passive aggressive as he points at him. “No, you don’t. Anyways, I was doing well at first! I mean, finding clothes took time but it turned out okay. Your suit is decent--”

“You’re welcome.”

“--but it wasn’t enough. I want to pop out, y’know? So I thought what’s the first thing people usually get off a person? Perfumes, of course! So I went to the cornershop around the street to get some but there was _a lot_ a lot _._ And I didn’t know what Tubbo’s and Ranboo’s preferences for perfumes so I picked the first couple I saw when, and you won’t believe this, but they _smelled_ different.”

“..Uh huh.”

“So I just took the ones that smelled good and hoped that the gods would have mercy, yeah? But when I moved the corner there was these things called colognes--”

“Uh _huh_ .”

“--and I was confused out of my mind but they also smelled good so I was like maybe Tubbo would like these too so I brought some! But then these things called deodorants popped out of nowhere!”

“Uh...”

“Yeah! Some of them smell like nothing, did you know? Or I think that’s just me. Anyway I brought some just in case and tried them all! Well, most of them since you came in and--”

“Wait,” Hbomb interrupts, finally cutting off Foolish’s rambling. He blinks with wide eyes, eyebrows furrowing. “Did you just say you brought _deodorants_?”

The hybrid’s face immediately reverts into its cheerful self as the man claps his hands. “Yeah! Was I not supposed to? They were crazy cheap so I figure it's fine. Wait, there must be one around here… Ha!”

His roommate makes a sound of triumph when he spots one out of the many glass bottles and paper lying around. He presents it to him like it’s some sort of trophy, eyes glowing with pride, and Hbomb swears he’s one second away from losing it all.

“F-Foolish,” he stutters, trying to refrain from laughing. “I don’t think that’s what y-you think it’s for.”

Foolish frowns, looking over the bottle of deodorant like it has wronged him in some terrible way. “Was I not supposed to?” he questions again, disappointment seeping into his voice. “It says ‘freshness and odor protection on the bottle. I may be reading it wrong though.”

“I-It’s…” He trails off, the hands on his face now a barrier to keep him from losing himself. He trembles in what must be genuine pain and the shark has enough heart in him to gaze in concern. 

“Y-You’re fine Foolish,” he giggles out when the worst of it passes. “It just doesn’t work that way.”

The shark only furrows his eyebrows. “Then how’s it supposed to work?”

“People use it on their armpits, yeah?” He removes a hand from his laugh/perfume barrier to point at his own armpit. “Humans have this thing where they get really sweaty and gross, so they had to put that shit on it to stop it from smelling. It really doesn’t work on any other part of the skin though.”

Foolish blinks before his gaze slowly lowers to the guilty deodorant in question. He sighs.

“That probably explains why my skin feels weird, huh.”

A beat of silence passes between them before they both devolve into hysterics. 

“H-How much of it did you put on yourself?!”

“I don’t know? I d-do..! Haha… I do remember putting a lot on! It doesn’t really do the job like the other two.”

Hbomb throws his head back while Foolish clutches his chest in laughter. In seconds the two were giggling, gasping lumps on the floor. They’re literally children, H thinks to himself, but finds himself too amused to care.

“You’re getting your ass in a shower immediately,” the man gasps when the laughter fit finally eases off. Foolish gives a small wheeze in reply.

They lie in comfortable silence, too lazy to fill up the silence with minuscule things. It took a couple minutes for the room to stop spinning. There’s a wrinkled handkerchief in tight palms. 

Don’t get the man wrong, he _still_ definitely was hyper analyzing every single thing wrong with this room. His mind was already trying to figure out how to fix the monstrosity despite it not being his for the time being. But his eyes still glanced at how the shark’s smile still displayed glimpses of anxiety, how Foolish’s body still trembled despite his laughter fading away minutes ago.

“You good?” He questions as he sits up, the slightest glimpse of concern sweeping over his face. The hybrid raises his eyebrows in surprise. The once staggering scent of cheap perfume lingers heavily in the air, stagnant, almost as if it also noticed the sudden stillness in the atmosphere. Or maybe it was waiting to spread cancer in their pores. Either or was possible at the moment. He really should be more concerned, huh. 

“I’m good,” Foolish confirms. He bounces where he sat, the handkerchief wrinkling in his hands. He gazes at it thoughtfully. “I mean, I feel like I can run an entire marathon in seconds and do nothing but stare at a wall for ten hours _at the same time._ I’m… Hbomb, I’m one push away from going _insane_. And I’m not sure if I like it or not. It’s…”

“Nerve-racking?”

“Exhilarating. Never interrupt me ever again.”

“Right,” Hbomb laughs. “Well, go give your ‘exhilarated’ self a shower. I’m not going out with you smelling like that.”

“Fine,” the younger sighs. He pushes his shoulder harshly, but Hbomb defends himself with a wave. The hybrid flicks him off with a swish of his tail and he doesn’t even care. 

He doesn’t think to turn on his phone until the boy leaves the room. He swears he could taste perfume on his tongue as he curses, opening his home screen. It’s 1:38pm.

Maybe he should tell Foolish to hurry it up a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title change :) like it? i think it fits the theme of the story more haha
> 
> also this is the only other chapter i've semi-planned! im going to bullshit everything else, its going to be so great!
> 
> /also/ please tell me if any characters are ooc at all! i know this is crack, but i think the characters being themselves makes the whole thing funnier y'know?

**Author's Note:**

> 3 things before you leave!
> 
> 1\. this au is a modern capitalist au! this means normally dsmp events have happened, but in a slightly different way. for example, wars are courtroom battles! blood is only shed by net loss. mostly everyone that has a role on this server is filthy fucking rich (in their own right) and i find it the funniest thing.  
> (also this world does take place in minecraft, so expect so game mechanics to be in play.)
> 
> 2\. this fic is about dsmp characters, not real people. all events that occur in this fic affect fictional block game roleplay characters. that's it. i also would be referring to characters as their dsmp selves throughout the notes and comments in this fic unless stated otherwise. i know this might feel like a old tirade at this point, but it's an important thing to be said!
> 
> 3\. updates are sporadic because of the main fic im working on and personal stuff. but then again, this is a joke fic, what do you want from me??
> 
> thank you for giving this story the time of day! maybe leave a kudos before you're out the door?


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